We all have addictions
If you say you haven’t ever had an addiction, you know that it ain’t true. In life, we all will go through an addiction in some form or factor. You may not realise it, but I bet every single person reading this has an addiction or two.
Whether it is being addicted to self-harm, or lusting, getting drunk, taking drugs, having a cigarette or simply drinking tea/coffee, or having chocolate. That’s an addiction. Anything can become an addiction, and we often don’t realise it until we try to stop.
I can speak a lot for self harming and lusting. Those are my two addictions.
Lusting, I accidentally done it once when I turned 13 and I’ve been trying really ever since 16 to stop. I didn’t realise that was an addiction.
I just get so mad at myself for it.
Then I once self harmed back in June of this year…
Yea I promised myself and my BFFs that I’d never do it again. But the blade weren’t going to make it that easy on me.
It started constantly giving me urges upon urges to use it again until I couldn’t tackle it anymore. I managed to then somehow go on until August without touching that blade again.
Then at around the middle of August I started doing it again because I couldn’t tackle the urges.
September and October was on and off. November I’ve been doing it almost every night.
Last week I got on really good until just now.
When I’m doing it, it just fricken feels so good!! I like the feeling of pain. Because the feeling you get when in pain, that’s there to help with the damage to the body (well that’s what my understanding is). Pain, depending what it is, just does make you feel more relaxed afterwards.
Pain on your wrists, why does it simply have to be so wonderful and so addicting?
It’s simply just so crazy. I’ve had a really good week last week. I did rather a lot for Anti-Bullying Week, and doing all of this also within college, I didn’t get the urges at all.
But then just now I got in bed, and picked that blade up before even knowing it.
I am not depressed anymore. I am not suicidal anymore. I am happy! I have friends I can go to (although I feel scared to), and I’m constantly getting to know more and more people (in person).
So why am I self harming?
I’m certain that people that have other addictions who are trying to stop often think all this. Why are we doing it and find it so hard to stop? Even though we are happy and have a good life?
It is a really really hard battle. Life is without battles. No matter how hard we try, no matter how happy we are, there’s always something that makes our journey here on earth so much tougher.
But do not let these things prevent you from continuing to try your best in life. Do not let these succeed on making you give up. We must push along, push ourselves through these obstacles. As we move along and get through these things that stand in our way, we start to see how more and more rewarding life becomes.
My faith in God and Jesus gets stronger and stronger each and every day.
I prayed to God asking for him to not let those pills kill my friend and to forgive her. He done just that. I’m praying that my friend Steph’s Grandad recovers from his stroke (I’m keeping him in my prayers). Then I was talking to my friend Razv about that I live by the verse: “And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.” Matthew 22:39 (KJV). I also mentioned about “love even your enemies because hate won’t kill hate, only love will do that”, and I opened up my bible app to find out that the verse of today (or yesterday should I say… It is currently 2am on Sunday 24th November at the time of writing this) was “But I say unto you which hear, Love your enemies, do good to them which hate you, Bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you.” Luke 6:27-28 (KJV).
I just know God and Jesus aren’t leaving my side. I know I am not alone, even when I feel alone. I just know that as long as I forever put my faith in them, I will say goodbye to my addictions.
It may take days, it may take weeks, it may take months or it could take years. Who knows? It doesn’t happen over night. What matters is that I am and will forever try. I ain’t giving up.
I hope that this helps anyone going through an addiction of any kind. It may take me a lot of courage to post this, and if I do I do not know who is going to see this, how many people in college, in my family etc. But I have written this anyway because Steph, she on Friday gave me something to read that she wrote which was really personal to her that I can tell took a lot of courage to write.
When I eventually put that blade down, I suddenly thought of what she wrote and it made me decide to write this (for her mainly but still for you all).
I feel that she let all of her inside hidden feelings out to me, so I want to do the same. I’ve not known her for long and Friday was the first time I really had some quality time with her, but then strangers, they can become the best of friends we’ve ever had just within one look in each other’s eyes.
Steph opened herself up to me, so I feel that the least I can do is open myself up to her, which may mean a lot to her, I dunno but it most certainly meant a lot to me her running down on Wednesday to me in college saying “I need a hug” (then telling me about her grandad), and it meant a lot to me her opening herself up to me. I just simply want to hug her so much more than I did for that. It means more than anyone can ever know when someone who you’ve not known for long and they’ve not known you for long has enough trust in you to share with you things so personal.
Whether she told me she was suicidal, or she was a self harmer too, or whatever, it still would mean such a lot because it does simply take a lot of courage to say to someone about all that, especially with someone in person.
I know this is a tremendously tremendously long blog post but every single word just so needed to get out.
Anyone who has read all of this, it means such a lot and again I really hope me opening myself up so much like this helps you.
Stay strong to everyone! Together we can all beat addiction!!
May God bless you all!!